Fun and easy recipes to burn down your communal kitchen

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Are you the problem?

Do you wanna be?

For anyone who’s been through dorm life — sailed that ship, sank it, reenacted the end of the Titanic by throwing the key to your triple from hell overboard — you know that, uh, could be worse. Maybe a little bit. A teeny, weensy, widdle maybe maybe. But I will inspire you to be the best badass chef you can be through the power of neurotypy and stolen Hillside products.

Kitchen. Your friend’s mom does it! Also other people! No matter which MILF you most often imagine swinging to “Stacy’s Mom” ​​in just an apron and baking you cookies with all the love your own mother ever gave you, the kitchen is hot – uh, I mean, good. Cooking is good for you. You should do more!

Bestie, I know you’re busy. So I’ve compiled a list of the top five recipes to make in your communal kitchen! Bring all the boys to the yard with a homemade milkshake. Prepare some mead, or something like that. Avoid scurvy!

  1. Cheese and mac.

You’ve heard of mac and cheese. It’s more fun because it’s the exact same thing, but people will assume you’ve reversed some fundamental aspect of its nature and ironically pasted a cute inversion on top. Look at this Guy Who Grills (you know who you are), ask about “ratios, man, I think 70:30? You’re playing a risky game”, and nod knowingly. They’ll never see light from empty Kraft boxes to decompose in the desert of your room.For extra flavor, grind up some Adderall and mix it with the water.Your notes and your toilet will thank you.

2. Sloppy Joe

You know you want it.

  • 1 small onionfinely chopped
  • 1/2 green bell pepper, freshly seeded
  • 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 teaspoon yellow mustard (of the stale variety)
  • 1/4 cup water, but not too wet (yet)
  • 1 tbsp brown sugar
  • 15 oz tomato sauce, or maybe blood – anything red will do
  • 1 lb lean ground beef, 85% to 90% lean and sweaty from the gym
  • 1 tbsp olive oil
  • ½ teaspoon saltor to taste, as much as you can take
  • ¼ teaspoon ground black pepper
  • 3 garlic cloves, minced, pressed, shouting is good
  • 4 hamburger buns, toasted if desired (recommended by Comedy Central)

3. Penne with vodka

Got some booze you need to get rid of before your RA sees it? May I suggest heating it on a stove top and hoping for the best? First, get your pasta. Place it in water (shocking, I know) and let it heat on the stove until the liquid stirs. My mom never really explained this to me because I’m clinically unable to pay attention, but I think you have to wait until it starts popping. When you’re bored, try sticking out a bare finger and grabbing a tube. Eat it! Or die trying! Boil your alcohol and add some stuff, maybe milk and butter? Sauce is what you make it. I would lose myself on a dinner. Maybe the burning from swallowing raw noodles will numb my pain.

4 eggs

Are they real? Sometimes I wonder. There are many ways to prepare what came out of the prematurely torn uterus: a stove, a microwave, or your own hot, moist breath and hoping for the best. The eggs are great! Enjoy it in a variety of settings: sobbing on your floor, sobbing in the kitchen, or striking a mutually beneficial meth deal in your communal living room. Aim for the stars and consume them in a form other than scrambled. I am joking. You’re not Egg-based enough.

5. Popcorn

FIRE!!!!!!!!!!

Bonus: Tylenol dissolved in warm water

Ever since I was a child, I have been fascinated by bees. Their hum exalts the memories of a lost childhood, my adored grandfather tending to his garden. The world was simpler when all the harmony I needed to care about was bugs and flowers, with no idea of ​​the instabilities of marriage, divorce, Civil War-themed second marriages, and distance from your postman. In my adult life, I’ve come to see this recipe as a metaphor for my immortal soul: the fine powder representing the parts of me that can’t be broken, and the hot liquid the ever-changing course of life. Reflect on your sins while sipping the drink of my youth; in the days to come, I hope he will outlive me.

That’s all for now, friends! Good food !

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