Cooking for a vegan friend? Here are 5 simple and insulting recipes that say “I did the bare minimum”

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As plant-based diets become more common, it’s never been easier for carnivores to meet the needs of vegans in their lives. But what if you’re a bad friend and a worse cook? Here’s our guide to really doing it halfway.

1. A pale, damp mushroom in a bun

A timeless classic. Don’t be tempted to slice it up and fry some color and flavor into your mushroom. No – cook it whole, but keep it nice and moist. Fried onions and old-fashioned mustard might help save it, but sadly, you won’t think about it until after.

2. A great meat and cheese lasagna, but save a vegan corner
Like a resource-starved landlocked nation, the vegan corner of your otherwise animal-heavy lasagna should be oddly raw despite spending the same amount of time in the oven. Containing only canned tomatoes and pasta, it will be a little light on protein, but don’t worry – you’ll cut it so loosely that chunks of meat and cheese will cling to the edge, making it very hearty!

3. A weird recipe from that screwed up 1970s cookbook that you have for some reason
In 2022, there are a million exciting vegan recipes just a click away, using fresh and vibrant ingredients available at your local store. But instead, why not open up that 70s cookbook you somehow acquired and choose something quirky and beige? Who could say no to a simmering slice of banana and onion terrine drizzled with buckwheat sauce? Or a pile of vegetables suspended in jelly for some reason? Not your friend, unless he wants to be hungry!

4. The worst cheeseburger ever
Vegan meat and dairy alternatives have improved dramatically in recent years, but you’ll be damned if you pay for the good ones. Buy the cheapest, most processed fake cheese slices and the densest, most ungodly proxy meat and really play with the boundaries of what is and isn’t food. Replace the bun unnecessarily with something completely disconcerting, and voila – a heinous, nauseating affront to God.

5. A bunch of fish
You’re pretty sure you’ve read a scientific journal that says there’s nothing wrong with eating fish because they have no feelings. Or was it a Nirvana song? Either way, if you’re challenged, double down and passively-aggressively imply that your guest’s moral standing has been a real imposition on you.

So ! Any of these recipes will pair well with hot tap water and a few uncomfortable questions about whether your guest would eat venison if it was a traffic accident and some kind of dick. Enjoy your lunch!

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